Returning to Wonderland

For some there is nothing more mysterious, marvelous, quizzical and yet strangely logical than the writings of Lewis Carroll. For those with a lifelong yearning, a hunger for something more... a marvelous thing has happened.

Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland has opened to a storm of controversy, with many surprised to find the story a departure from the original text. I myself had trepidations once I saw that Alice was a woman rather than a girl and that this story did indeed seem to cover new territory.

Well all my doubts were whisked away as I entered the masterfully conceived, beautifully rendered and spectacularly realised wonder that was to unfold. Where I had feared a cringing homage to the Disney cartoon or a mish mash of the contents of the two original books I was instead delighted to enjoy a fun, engaging and mesmerising balance of old and new. There is enough of the original story to make die hard fans feel comfortable and a few literary nods to the text. Alongside this is a rich and well balanced new mythology which is supported by marvelous performances and a restrained yet beautiful use of 3D.

The only confusing decision was that the Queen of Hearts is referred to as the Red Queen... whereas in the text there are royal families White, Red, Hearts, Spades, Clubs and Diamonds, in keeping with the dual themes of chess and playing cards. This can be forgiven however as it was required by the storyline that the queens be sisters and how could the writer forgo the delicious exclamation of “Off With His Head!”. Helena Bonham Carter revels in the roll, as do all the other cast members, striking a fine balance between pantomime and a childlike exaggeration of affairs.

For some the world of Lewis Carroll is more than a storybook-land. The twisted logic, the intricate interplay of words, puns and puzzles give a sense of depth and awe. For some these texts allude to something large and wonderful, something illusory and amazing. It is an escape of sorts but also a place of belonging for those who perhaps do not buy in 100% to the here and now. The idea of an other-world, an ether-place where although nonsense prevails the danger is real. A world which parallels our own but in which a holy emphasis is placed upon spirit, curiosity and of course on Wonder.

I embrace this new addition to the tales of Wonderland. It is a miraculous opportunity to revisit old friends and ideas, to take another trip and gain new perspective on an old home.

Living Like an American Psycho

American Psycho, a movie adaptation of the Bret Easton Ellis novel holds within its pages some universal truths and valuable guidelines for modern living. Leaving aside his unquenchable lust for psychopathic mayhem and the occasional compulsion to feed a kitten to a teller machine, Patrick Batemen excels in many areas. Here are just a few of the things which we can learn from his decadent 80s lifestyle:

An emphasis on the maintenance and development of the body

Bateman is a perfect specimen of health and beauty. He is aware of this and yet he works hard and constantly to maintain and increase his level of excellence. Note his morning routine:

BATEMAN (V.0.) I believe in taking care of myself, in a balanced diet, in a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I'll put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches. I can do a thousand now.
Bateman ties a plastic ice pack around his face.
Bateman does his morning stretching exercises in the living room wearing the ice pack.
CUT TO:
A mirror-lined bathroom. Bateman is luxuriating in the shower steam, scrubbing his body, admiring his muscles.
BATEMAN (V.O.)
After I remove the icepack, I use a deep pore-cleanser lotion. In the shower, I use a water-activated gel cleanser, then a honey-almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub.
Bateman stands in front of a massive marble sink applying a gel facial masque.
BATEMAN (V.O.)
Then I apply an herb mint facial masque which I leave on for ten minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine.
Bateman opens the door of a mirrored cabinet, which is stocked with immaculate rows of skin care products. He begins selecting bottles jars and brushes, laying them in readiness on the marble counter.
BATEMAN (V.O.)
I always use an after-shave lotion with little or no alcohol because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm, followed by a final moisturizing "protective" lotion...
Bateman stares into the mirror. The masque has dried, giving his face a strange distorted look as if it has been wrapped in plastic. He begins slowly peeling the gel masque off his face.

Although to many this might seem excessive. Bateman gives us a sense that this is a well considered and logical progression. It has not simply been borne of response to a marketing campaign but is the result of a deep consideration of what is required to meet his goal of maintaining an optimum physical appearance.

An appreciation for fine food made with quality ingredients

Throughout the film there are countless references to the farcical pecking order expressed through the ability to achieve a booking at the most exclusive restaurants. The various dining scenes give us an insight into the excellent food which Bateman and his ilk consider acceptable. Beautifully presented and formulated of the finest ingredients these meals are spectacular and would arguably deliver a high level of nutrition. We should similarly aim to deliver to our bodies the best fuel which we can practically arrange.

WAITER
With goat cheese profiteroles and I also have an arugula Caesar salad. For entrées tonight I have a swordfish meatloaf with onion marmalade, a rare-roasted partridge breast in raspberry coulis with a sorrel timbale...
Huge white porcelain plates descend on very pale pink linen table cloths. Each of the entrees is a rectangle about four inches square and look exactly alike.
CLOSE-UP on various diners as we hear fragments of conversation. "Is that Charlie Sheen over there?" "Excuse me? I ordered cactus pear sorbet."
WAITER
And grilled free-range rabbit with herbed French fries. Our pasta tonight is a squid ravioli in a lemon grass broth...
CLOSE-UP on porcelain plates containing elaborate perpendicular desserts descending on another table.

An appreciation for the simple things

Bateman's fixation on business cards seems over the top. However the minute detail with which he is able to appreciate their beauty. The nuance and intricacy he brings to this simple thing is something which we can all learn from. In meditating upon simple things we can more completely understand our surroundings and our place in the universe.

Bateman takes out his wallet and pulls out a card.
PRICE
(Suddenly enthused)
What's that, a gram?
BATEMAN
New card. What do you think?
McDermott lifts it up and examines the lettering carefully.
McDERMOTT
Whoa. Very nice. Take a look.
He hands it to Van Patten.
BATEMAN
Picked them up from the printers yesterday
VAN PATTEN
Good coloring.
BATEMAN
That's bone. And the lettering is something called
Silian Rail.
McDERMOTT
(Envious)
Silian Rail?
VAN PATTEN
It is very cool, Bateman. But that's nothing.
He pulls a card out of his wallet and slaps it on the
table.
VAN PATTEN
Look at this.
They all lean forward to inspect it.
PRICE
That's really nice.
Bateman clenches his fists beneath the table, trying to control his anxiety.
VAN PATTEN
Eggshell with Romalian type.
(Turning to Bateman)
What do you think?
BATEMAN
(Barely able to breath, his voice a croak)
Nice.
PRICE
(Holding the card up to the light)
Jesus. This is really super. How'd a nitwit like you get so tasteful?
Bateman stares at his own card and then enviously at McDermott's.
BATEMAN (V.O.)
I can't believe that Price prefers McDermott's card to mine.
PRICE
But wait. You ain't seen nothin' yet.
He holds up his own card.
PRICE
Raised lettering, pale nimbus white...
BATEMAN
(Choking with anxiety)
Impressive. Very nice. Let's see Paul Owen's card.
Price pulls a card from an inside coat pocket and holds it up for their inspection: "PAUL OWEN, PIERCE & PIERCE, MERGERS AND ACQUISITIONS." Bateman swallows, speechless.
The sound in the room dies down and all we hear is a faint heartbeat as Bateman stares at the magnificent card.
BATEMAN (V.O.)
Look at that subtle off-white coloring. The tasteful thickness of it. Oh my God, it even has a watermark...
His hand shaking, Bateman lifts up the card and stares at it until it fills the screen.
He lets it fall. The SOUND RETURNS TO NORMAL.
CARRUTHERS Is something wrong? Patrick...you're sweating.
...
CARRUTHERS
Yes, I do. No, it's my business card-I decided to get a new one too. He pulls out something incredibly tasteful. Everyone compliments Luis except Bateman. The SOUND DROPS and all we hear is the beating of his heart as he stares at the card enviously.
Luis plucks it from his hand and walks away, pleased with himself.

Aspiring to excellence in the personal realm

Bateman has a special relationship with his personal environment. His apartment is monochromatic and beautifully designed and furnished. He has a great deal of personal pride as he sees his home as an expression as both his level of achievement and an outward expression of his taste, style and an extension of his own beauty.

INT. BATEMAN'S APARTMENT- MORNING
Tableaux of Bateman's apartment in the early morning light.
A huge white living room with floor-to-ceiling windows looking out over Manhattan, decorated in expensive, minimalist high style: bleached oak floors, a huge white sofa, a large Baselitz painting (hung upside down) and much expensive electronic equipment. The room is impeccably neat, and oddly impersonal - as if it had sprung straight from the pages of a design magazine.
BATEMAN (V.0.)
My name is Patrick Bateman. I am twenty-six years old. I live in the American Garden Buildings on West Eighty-First Street, on the eleventh floor Tom Cruise lives in the penthouse.
...
When I get to Paul Allen's place, I use the keys I took from his pocket... before disposing of the body.
There is a moment of sheer panic... when I realize that Paul's apartment overlooks the park... and is obviously more expensive than mine.

We must all be conscious of our environment and aspire to live in a home which truly expresses our right inner world. In the case of Bateman his taste has more to do with conformity and status. However even in this we can tell that he has a true personal relationship with the place and that for better or worse, it suits him well.

Speaking out against intolerance, even in the presence of a strong opposing peer group

Bateman moves in circles with entrenched ideas and prejudices like any other. We receive an insight on his humanity with the following exchange. Despite an overwhelming desperation to fit in (and an obviously mixed respect for human life) he speaks out against his compatriots.

PRICE
Lucky bastard.
McDERMOTT
Lucky Jew bastard.
BATEMAN
Oh Jesus, McDermott, what does that have to do with anything?
McDERMOTT
Listen. I've seen the bastard sitting in his office on the phone with CEOs, spinning a fucking menorah. The bastard brought a Hanukkah bush into the office last December.
BATEMAN
You spin a dreidel, McDermott, not a menorah. You spin a dreidel.
McDERMOTT
Oh my God. Bateman, do you want me to fry you up some fucking potato pancakes? Some latkes?
BATEMAN
No. Just cool it with the anti-Semitic remarks.
McDERMOTT
Oh I forgot. Bateman's dating someone from the ACLU.
Price leans over and pats Bateman on the back.
PRICE
The voice of reason. The boy next door.

Here Bateman poses somewhat of a paradox as we at once gain an insight onto his own humanity (such as it is) and are delivered yet another example of the moral ambiguity of his peer group. It is for each of us to maintain a strong moral and ethical compass despite outside influences and especially to speak out in cases of flagrant intolerance.

A lucid acknowledgement of our existential and nihilistic predicament

BATEMAN (V.O.)
There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, hut there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping you and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there.

This passage speaks directly from that 'inner observer' in each of us. The one that quietly watches as the wheels turn and the words and actions are formed. As such it is perfect in its way, describing a hollow sense of something missing. Who are we? Why are we here? Bateman doesn't know and who amongst us does?




Acknowledgements:

The American Psycho book and movie are the property of their respective owners. Quotations presented for research purposes only.

Script sources:
http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/American-Psycho.html
http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/a/amercan-psycho-script-transript-bale.html

Honouring Personal Commitments in Generation Y

Given all our technology you'd think that everyone would be more closely linked and bonded than ever before. However that doesn't seem to be the case for most people and the quality of relationships is also being effected.

In Gen Y there is nothing quite so important as the ability to be 'easy going'. This is a loose term which at one time would have meant to be relaxed and happy to go with the flow. Over time this has shifted and the phrase has taken on a more demanding connotation. The new incarnation of easy going requires that a person have no particularly strong identification with anything. That is to say that they must be willing to give over any notion that they had when it comes to discussion, expression of opinion or interactions with others.

An inability to immediately release from ones values and ideas is often seen as being difficult or uptight. In many cases it is not simply enough to acknowledge the opinion of another, there is a mania for attempting to convert others to a congruent point of view. As a social study this is interesting as it is in direct contrast with those values which would have been at one time highly prized, particularly amongst men. The idea of a stoic man of sound principle who would calmly express his unshakable ideal was treated with reverence. These days he wouldn't get invited to any cool parties.

Keeping in mind this premise of the chronically easy-going GenY'er, whom expects complete malleability of the opinions of others but whom conversely feels an unyielding thirst to convert others to his point of view; let us consider how this may manifest itself in the way of actions.

As a member of Generation Y myself I base my ponderings mainly upon personal observation. Statistically it must be said that there is a great deal of variation, however what I am discussing here are broad themes, represented again and again as patterns of behaviour.

The process of making an arrangement with a Gen Y'er is the classic example. A time is set, a place is set and therefore an arrangement is made. To a more traditional mind this might seem straightforward and deceptively simple. In the mind of Gen Y however an arrangement is just an idea: A thing that could happen, maybe... but you'd better be prepared to be easy going about it. I have noted again and again in dealing with people of my own age group that there is a real difficulty in translating ideas into action. So many things remain abstract and beyond the thinker to make the move into actualizing the thought.

Why is this? It's hard to say, however maybe the mindset can be partly explained by the complete lack of existing paradigms for normal behaviour in Gen Y. The traditional notions of 'making a life' which were summarily demolished during the Baby Boomer and Gen X years are by now almost beyond memory. So in Gen Y we grow up with no particular expectations placed upon us in terms of marriage or procreation. The astronomical price of housing in most countries encourages many not to enter the property market and anyway, eventually the Baby Boomers will die, leaving everyone nicely inflated properties and pension funds (or so the theory goes).

So is it this lack of expectation which leads to a general malais and a large scale abandonment of traditional 'core' values? A commitment to ideas such as respect and honour is difficult when it is exercised in such a minority, especially in an environment where the majority are enforcing their own stance wherever there is conflict.

Another factor is the constant anxiety around doing these things perceived to increase status or happiness. One might end up with a priority structure which sees one attending every Pilates class and seeing every episode of Gossip Girl but then declaring they have no time for socialising. This kind of self imposed time poverty is an outward symptom of a life lived in neutral, or first gear at best. The results is a quagmire of cancelled appointments, missed deadlines and broken goals: failed commitments.

Contrary to what was discussed in the previous blog entry about values based living I would doubt that many people would look back on such a life with a glowing sense of pride.

The ability to be consistent with oneself and with others is a skill and one which takes a great deal of attention. It is something that all of us have varying success with at different times and I don’t believe that anyone has escaped failure. However it is possible, through treating your commitments as important, to achieve a state of greater ease and honesty.

Being reliable has come to be seen as being rather dull in Generation Y and sadly as such has been disregarded by many. Along with many other key traits, the ability to honour ones commitments is more important now than ever. With a population that is being driven apart by communication tools rather than drawn together. As personal contact becomes less the norm than text messages, Facebook and Tweets, these ‘appointments’ become some of the most precious agreements of our lives. There can be no lasting emotional fulfilment in a life which finds room for work, gym, naps, Internet porn and television and marginalises simple human contact.

Having been through the exercise outlined in the Values Based Living article you should have gained a clearer idea of the kind of things that are important to you and importantly, what kind of people you want to be close to. There is no special trick to translating this into firm, consistently met commitments. It is a general shift in thinking, a transition from idea to action which can only be brought about by increased mindfulness.

Take some time each day to think about the commitments you make to yourself. Nail down those abstract ideas of who you want to be and where you want to go. Start to do all those small things which you have left undone and be strong and decisive moving forward in becoming reliable, both to others and with your own True self.

Pursuing a Values Based Existence

Recently a friend introduced me to the concept of the values based existence. I had reached a level of frustration at the varying success I was achieving attempting to live a goal based life. This frustration pivoted around the varying levels of resources such as time and energy which were available to pursue these goals. However with an inner framework built around the pursuit of ones underlying values it is possible to achieve success in spite of these factors and in doing so to experience a higher level of richness and satisfaction in the every day.

Consider the system of goal setting. A desired outcome is determined, set in stone. It is often monetary or commoditized and will involve a number of inflexible steps. On the one hand if you succeed its great, you can place a check in a box and move on to the next one. On the other hand if you fail there will often be a knock on effect with other goals and steps which leave you constantly beating yourself up.

As an alternative consider the pursuit of your values. There are still those things you wish to achieve. However having been through a process of determining whether they are consistent with your beliefs they take on a special significance. These may still be recorded in the manner of goals but I tend to look upon them as 'soft-goals', whereby all of your goals are considered a whole. If there is delay in one there may be progress in another, or if there is an impasse altogether this may indicate that a time of intensive, breakthrough progress is approaching. In this way, times of illness or low energy do not bring with them a state of anxiety or frustration. If something outside of ourselves demands our attention, such as a family tragedy, we can attend to this with full focus, knowing that what we are doing is contributing to the pursuit of our values in its own way.

As a goal-oriented person with a clearly defined, recorded and tracked lit of goals I was surprised at how naturally it came to bring these forward into the new paradigm of a values based system. Many goals required only minimal alteration to remove their punitive and demanding nature. Others were discarded out of hand.

In general the key outcome is the relief of the pressure which we place on ourselves to constantly be doing things to pursue these outcomes. Moving toward a state of simply being and in the process becoming the way we want to be is a joyful and rewarding experience in and of itself. Instead of looking at sheaves of completed checklists you can do a quick internal rollcall and ask yourself “Is the way I am living consistent with my values?”. You will be surprised at the overwhelming reward that an answer in the affirmative can bring.

The process of establishing your true values can be a challenging one. This is something that can only come from within and in most cases will be very clouded by the clutter we build up about ourselves. Most people are so caught up in the distractions of every day life that they increasingly drift away from the knowledge of who they truly are and what it is they yearn for.

I found the following exercise helpful.

Brainstorming what you value:

Take a pen and paper and sit quietly, somewhere where you will not be disturbed.

• First make a list of all the people you have ever met who you feel lucky to have known. It can be for any reason. They may have had a constant positive air about them, or have been an exceptional businessman/woman. Note down what about this person was their special value.
• Now note down the things you own that you truly treasure. These are the things that could not be replaced with money.
• Next consider the places you have been in your life that have meant the most. It may help to close your eyes and picture these places as you think about this. A childhood holiday, your grandparents house, a special park or place of natural beauty.
• Next close your eyes and breath deeply for a few moments until you feel relaxed. Now starting with your earliest memories remember all the times when you felt the happiest, working your way forward until the present day. You will be surprised at what you remember here and this is an exercise that can also be very useful in low times.
• Similarly repeat the previous exercise but this time you are looking for the times you felt the greatest sense of joy in achievement. The times you felt you had truly accomplished something.
• Now think about your own personal image. Note down a few things that you consider to epitomise your personal style. Some pieces of clothing, the way you wear your hair, some colours or materials. Some words such as 'natural' or 'quality' which describe the kinds of items you like to wear and accessorise with.
  
  

As time goes on you might choose to repeat these steps in further determining what you value. By bringing these things to the front of your mind and having them in writing to refer to you can better prioritise what is meaningful to you. How much time in your life is dedicated to making more happy memories? How much time do you spend with 'people of special value'? These are the things that matter on the deepest possible level.

Just think of yourself as an old man or woman, going through the process you have just completed. Would not the contents of your notes be an important measure of how full a life you have led?

Using your notes glean some words which sum up for you what it is you wish to achieve and as you go about your daily life be aware of whether you are being true to these values you have chosen.

You can still be driven, you can still be a high achiever and you can still track and measure your success. The key is a shift in your point of view and a renewed emphasis on pursuing your own dreams, not those goals imposed upon you by others or society.

Is this Australia Day or Sorry Day?

It's Australia Day. The sun is shining and the people have taken to the streets. Not many people know what its all about and not many people care. It's relaxed, unstructured, random. It's Australia.

But oh how it brings them out. The neo-political, nouveau-bourgeois, self appointed judges all go into session. The verdict: Guilty with a capital G. Too loud, too drunk, too jingoistic, too patriotic (its the wrong kind of patriotism dontchya know) and just not good enough!

There is a disturbing undercurrent of entrenched disapproval which seems determined to bring a safe and healthy monochrome to our full spectrum nation. The furrowed brows and wagging fingers, the blogs and rants giving us all the wrap on the knuckles we so clearly deserve. For what could be more disturbing, more threatening and upsetting than to see Australian flags on the cars and temporary tattoos of the flag and southern cross. Surely this makes immigrants uncomfortable. Surely this encourages a smothering monoculture which is an affront to the Toorak-hippies. Never mind that the ma and pa bargain shops run almost exclusively by new immigrants are the main channel for purchasing said paraphernalia and that many of those sporting them are first generation Australians.

Today I walked around St Kilda, up the wonderful Carlisle St, through the beautiful St Kilda Botanical Gardens, soaked up the trendy vibe of Acland St and finally took a walk along the spectacular beach and Esplenade. What I noticed was the fullness and richness of the Australian experience. You could see it all there: families, drunkards, teenagers, senior citizens, every race, every kind of dress, every skin colour. The behaviour was similarly of every degree: quiet couples, abusive creeps, teenagers chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi!

To some this is unacceptable. Some exercise a blind hypocrisy which decries anything inconsistent with their own beliefs and bullheadedly tries and impose their own, not open to discussion, or compromise, or even to the idea that different and opposing views might exist and not effect them. It's called extremism. An extremism just as illogical, dangerous and threatening to democracy and liberty as any other.

Interestingly the entry price for being able to air such opinions seems to be a special type of self righteousness. It does not have to be based on education or life experience but seems to be more centred around using natural cleaning products, supporting the correct charity (through credit card donation rather than actual action thank you very much) and perhaps driving a Prius if you can manage it.

We are constantly told we are too racist, too intolerant, too thoughtless, not green enough. These insurgents within our society (for this is what they are) have no time to declare what is right and good and true in our world but only have energy and spirit for those things which they see to be wrong or unjust. Interestingly a large proportion of these opinionated souls are either unemployed or eternal students and rely on those taking part in the economy that they find so disgusting. They cry out “Justice for all” without the slightest acknowledgement that we have indeed, against all odds managed to gain a state which affords justice to most.

The fact is that despite the odd yobbo and the statistically unavoidable antisocial and criminal components of the population we are largely an even-tempered nation, not prone to random acts of Indian student stabbing or toxic waste dumping. Most people hold an inherent concern for their fellow man and also for the world in which we live. However we are constantly judged careless as we are not launching ourselves onto every available soap box to extol a completely negative and judgemental view of all that there is.

I had never considered deeply what Australia Day meant and to be honest I don't think that's what its about. It's a day like any other, for Australians to do whatever they want. For most this does not mean causing a racially motivated riot or stabbing someone with a broken bottle.

So in the spirit of the day let me put out my hands as a symbol of apology to our cantankerous malcontents. I'm sure the population joins me as we apologise for not containing our inappropriate and contaminated patriotism. Our poisonous and unsettling declarations of love for our country, which you feel disinclined to share, finding our culture (or perceived lack thereof) irksome and Neanderthal. You may rap your gabble of pseudo-justice and don your black cap to pass down the sentence of death, the dissolution of a system which you see as so faulty and broken, such a failure that you would prefer some kind of idealised ,communist anarchy.

In fact it's usually more general than that. No particular policy or cohesive strategy is required. No roadmap to take us to your eutopia. Just the naysaying, just the constant overwhelming speak, the chatter, the background hum of cicadas saying BAD BAD BAD.

It must be terrible to feel so trapped within a society of which you so violently disapprove. To have all your time consumed discussing the problems and issues which confront you every day as you try to survive against the constant assault of horrific injustice. Over the dinner table you are disgusted at how little people do to support the poor or the enviroment “but do please pass the organically grown, hydroponically nourished, pure-spring-water-misted eco-zuccini . I can only get it at that one little green grocer. They have it flown in from Equador where some quaint little villagers grow it and it's three times as expensive but don't you know it's just so much better for the world.”

I can not agree with a school of thought which insists it is for freedom and a greater good but at the same time disapproves of the majority of what people do and would like to see it “corrected” or banned. This way lies facism and unilateralism. When the bulk of the population is not seen as having a valid opinion or knowing what is good for them, the path to dictatorship is not far away. Though I'm sure it would have a pretty name, like the Rainbow Unicorn Decision Council for Universal Wellbeing.

As you walk around today, amongst the crowds of the people and visitors of this country maybe you can take a moment to acknowledge some miracles. We are mainly fed, mainly clothed, mainly safe and mainly free. 98% of us are always working toward a better world, some just for themselves and their families and some for everyone. The degree to which you care is not a function of how opinionated, self-righteous and critical you are. Nor is it immediately cancelled out if you choose to have a southern cross tattoo or mount a small Australian flag on your car. If you're a control freak maybe try doing a large jigsaw puzzle (you know the ones that are mainly sky or a wheat field) or try herding some cats, that should keep you busy for a while. Meanwhile leave Australia alone.